Pouring the first cup of coffee

a list, a meditation, things I love and things I notice in this small window of time:

  • waking up feeling rested and healthy. I slept in, deeply and extravagantly, over the weekend. I feel good.
  • the quiet triumph of being the first one awake and moving. it’s not a competition with anyone else, it’s just a delight I don’t always manage to give myself. When I do, it’s winning. I am such a fan of winning these tiny daily triumphs that don’t cause anyone else to be a loser. Down with zero-sum games. Up with infinite games and infinite wins.
  • the air’s particular shade, pre-dawn gray, a personal favorite. It’s different than ‘cloudy afternoon gray’ or ‘storm’s rolling in gray’ or ‘twilight gray’ or ‘winter in January gray’ or ‘raining all day gray.’ ‘Raining all day’ in winter is different than ‘raining all day in summer.’ Many flavors of gray, specific tones and a distinct mood/feeling for each one. There’s infinite combinations possible of where-you-are-internally and what-is-happening-externally and the-specific-gray-around-you. In a single day you could slide up and down a symphony of combinations, and all that’s happening without your effort or conscious doing. Often it’s happening without you even noticing. No moment is ever the same. Even gray is a kaleidoscope.
  • the sound of coffee being poured into my favorite mug
  • the way little clouds of cream drift up
  • how that line from You’re So Vain drifts up, echoing in my mind, I had dreams of my own / they were clouds in my coffee / clouds in my coffee and…
  • how that brings up, in an instant, such a deep mix of emotion, regret and sadness and tenderness toward myself. Internally I’m telling myself oh you silly little girl but in a kind voice, with compassion, because I understand I was doing my best, doing what I thought was right and good all those moments when I had dreams and I let them drift away, let them be forgotten and unrealized and unimportant, as inconsequential as clouds in my coffee.
  • curling my hands around the mug
  • the warmth and flavor, a familiar steady friend
  • opening the balcony door, the whoosh of a door on runners, the clink of curtain rings, the rush of air that feels different so different and so good because it’s outside air
  • I get to make my own decisions today
  • I have gathered to myself beautiful things and people and moments I love and they love me back
  • the right word for today feels like it might be extravagant