“What I really desired was to feel free of the fear that had been dominating my life for so long, as well as a connection to a higher power… I didn’t want to worry so much and I didn’t want to feel like I had to be in control of everything.”
There are a lot of things I can let go of. There are obligations which do not equal true responsibilities. I can let go of more. I can let go of ways I waste my time and energy. I can start learning to tune out so I don’t pick up more because I feel guilty.
I’m at the start of something new (always) (you are too) (all of us) (all the time) (if we want) and a neat thing I am doing is realizing that
to start something new
you have to do something different.
It doesn’t have to be big-different. (Or it can be.)
I am actually showing up for myself in a way I never have before, which means things like:
- learning how to take care of myself (for real, not performatively or pejoratively or figuratively or hypothetically)
- making changes in what I tell myself about my options, myself, my life, myself, my future, myself…
- opening, listening, looking, asking with fewer and fewer preconceived notions of what-the-truth-might-be (which is scary always but also? makes learning easier)
- putting pretty much everything on the table and picking it up and asking DOES IT FUCKING SPARK JOY OR SHOULD I BURN IT TO THE GROUND
That last part’s been both extremely traumatizing and extremely freeing.
The more I burn to the ground the more space I have. Sometimes it feels like a big blank space opened in my mind and it is full of dancing question marks and I don’t even know what the question is.
But sometimes it feels like when you’re underwater a few seconds too long and your lungs start to burn and you push up to the surface and the sun hits your face and you pull in the biggest most delicious breath and feel more alive than ever.
Yeah. So it’s one of those two things, or something completely different.