Listen with full attention OR walk away from the conversation. Stay away from the muddy middle ground of tolerating a conversation you don’t want to be in or giving half-hearted attention instead of excusing yourself. Commit or quit.
Answer the questions that have been asked and answer the questions that need to be answered but haven’t been asked.
Don’t over-answer. Adding too much information (even when it’s related) causes confusion and forces the person to sort through all the information to find what they need.
Drop filler words like just, very, really. (More applicable in written conversations.)
Drop filler apologies. (More applicable in spoken conversations.)
Ask for what you need or want directly and clearly.
“Will you explain more about this problem in detail?”
“Can you give me an example of what you need?”
“Will you be there to help?”
“What time works for you?”
“I need to know when this will be completed.”
“I want to help. Can I [do xyz thing]?”
Use shared terminology. If the terms are different, use their term first and then equate it with your term. This is a form of education (for customer conversations) and a way to find common ground (in other conversations).
Acknowledge their position and name their opinions and feelings. Try not to be an ass about it. Use your intelligence to convey understanding without condescension. And remember: Acknowledgement is not agreement. Gaining clarity is not condoning.
If they’re saying shit you don’t want to listen to, kill it with a word or two: No thanks. Too far. Whoa. Hold up. Rewind. Back up. I’m out.
Consider your goal for the conversation:
A.To connect (relational)
B. To learn (informational)
C. To teach (eeeehhhh careful)
D. To win (asshole-ational)
E. To avoid social censure (survival)
F. To have fun (i.e. you’re an extrovert)
G. To hoover up attention however you can get it (#narctok)
H. To be a bigger person, which is just D or a self-righteous C
I. To make someone else comfortable, which is just E but you’re probably pretending it’s A
J. To keep the party / date / meeting / holiday gathering from lapsing into tense silence which is framed as F but is most likely E
If things get really uncomfortable/you get bored, consider a spontaneous interpretive dance. It’s amazing how quickly people can exit a conversation when they really want to.
Me after 3.7 minutes of small talk
12 things to avoid for better conversations
The vague offer instead of the specific ask
Saying “I’m sorry about __ ” when I need to say “I’m sorry I did ___.”
Engaging in ‘Who’s the bigger victim’ comparisons
Telling my own little story that’s related to your story when maybe I could just ask you a few questions about your story instead of needing to find some sort of personal anecdote to share as if we’re not connecting in a satisfactory way if I don’t find and explain immediate similarities with every micro-topic that arises
Making jokes out of resentments
Snide little put-downs about subjective personal preferences
Asking for feedback when I’m really asking for approval
Rushing to fill the silence
Giving unsolicited advice
Making myself sound agreeable no matter how deeply and thoroughly I disagree
Policing tone and ignoring content (a.k.a. using socially correct expectations to shut down uncomfortable conversations)
Policing content and ignoring tone (a.k.a. willfully misunderstanding or ignoring the emotional context)
