Going to the pool

I gained about 40 pounds last year just eating (and drinking) my feelings.

It’s taken 6 months to lose about 12 of those pounds. Hormones will get you. I had a hysterectomy a few years ago, and everything my post-menopausal body understands about this stage of life is Don’t let go of the fat cells.

I have more wrinkles on my face than I’d like, laugh lines and crow’s feet and forehead lines and lots of little creases around my lips. Looks like I’m taking after my dad’s mom instead of my mom’s mom when it comes to smooth skin and aging. Those ~5 years under a tropical sun might have done it, too.

Not having a partner to reassure me that my body is beautiful and desirable threw me for quite a few emotional loops around these things.

I didn’t expect that. I’ve always been a pretty comfortable in my own skin.

But plunging into single life — out of the safety of relationship with someone who has known and appreciated my unique body for years, who has been with me through so many physical changes — brought up some shit.

And that shit led to a clearer realization that the only person I need to please is myself.

What a gift — to lay down even more burdens, to laugh off even more beauty standards, to give even fewer fucks about anyone else’s opinion of how I look, how I dress, how I move and have my being.

I may not lose those extra pounds but it’s a pretty fair trade.